2008

Well it finally came, a few more hours will see 2008 come to a close. I'm not a 'new years' person, never been into the resolution thing myself. Dec 31st has always just been another day on the calendar, rolling into the next. This time round something is different. Since November I have felt a stirring, deep within, of the need to 'clean' parts of me up! To settle, to stand against, to let go and to pack it all in my little (well big actually) 'God' box and keep soildering on. Not escaping from using and learning the experience of 2008 and prior but not bringing it all forward with me... the whole leaning on God and not my own understanding thing. Not sure if that makes complete sense but hey it does to me! So moving forward in the search really all comes down to my devotional reading from last night which reads:

"We are weak, but you are strong" 1 Corinthians 4:10
- We need help - and alot of it. (skip skip skip) You are weak unless you find your strength in God, and the sooner you face that fact, the better.

Amen to that!!

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it aka My thought for today...

Letting go of pride, an idol, sin etc is so hard because it initially means just that - giving up, disconnecting, loosing something - something earthly that we are programmed to believe we just can't survive without...the ironic consequence of taking that step of faith will infact prompt a whole new world of opportunities that we would otherwise never have had.

I will never leave you nor forsake you - Hebrews 13:5

Colossians

So I am searching...and something inside prompts me to go read Colossians (Holy Bible) so before work this morning I read the entire book...Is only 4 chapters but when I put it like that sounds soooooo much more :)

2:20-23 really stand out to me "Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch! These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence"

I have been contemplating this on and off all day and as the ink I remember on those pages begins to etch itself on my heart and mind I am slightly overcome.

"Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules"

I decide this is sparking enough intrigue that it is time to do a Bible study on this book...which I planned to search around on the net in the first instace AFTER I finish playing on facebook.

So we all know facebook right? In the news feed this girl I went to school with comments on some random shot...long story short...well really only 4 clicks later I arrive on a churchs website. This church is round the corner from where I grew up and next click I am NOT suprised in the least that their last few podcasts are on the Book of Colossians.

I love my God. So many things go wrong, so much pain and uncertainty in this world and so much picking up and starting again. But so many things go right. And the right is in that corny saying "it's the little things". It's the little things like taking a tiny step towards whatever God puts on your heart and who knows what years of tiny steps will look like from now. It's the smallest things like reading a part of the Bible when feeling prompted and seeing the consequence flow on. The small things, I believe they mean the biggest and I know I'm not alone.

Press on to the goal...

what more can anyone do?

The Beauty of Boundaries

So my church is doing a series of preaching on boundaries and I'm learning alot...and when I say 'alot' I mean the kind of 'alot' where this will most likely come out all wrong and take twice as long to decipher as it streams from my disorderly intellect and into reality. It's been a bit of a wake up call and I'm slowly seeing that through the theory of boundaries I can have more control over certain parts of my life than I have been having...if I commit to being a willing participant for said greater good that is!

This is all based on a verse in Psalm 16 that says "the boundaries have fallen for me in plesant places". When I first heard that I did not for the life of me understand it. A month ago if you had of asked me to give a thought on what boundaries mean to me I would have said words to the effect of "well, you know, you put boundaries up and they limit you and make you miss out on opportunities and so they are not so good" and not a thought further.

Well yeah boundaries limit you BUT that can actually be a good thing!! My Pastor gave the most brilliant description (from a source I can't remember) that "In the beginning..." the universe was in chaos before God put the boundaries in of land, sky, sea etc. That everything was in utter chaos because nothing was in its rightful place. An answer to pray and I can see ever so clearly, whether I am aware of boundaires or not, that the few 'little pieces of chaos' in my life (you know the ones which just go round and round and if you do something it doesnt stop and if you do nothing it goes even faster) are the precise areas which have absolutely NO boundaries...funny that :)

For the first time i'm consciously considering the boundaries in my life...and I'm left with a sense of ownership that works out perfectly in theory (as most of life does) but is rather a struggle in reality. Attempting to put boundaries in place where they have not lived before is not such an easy task!

But wait there is more...atm the 'more' is stuck sandwiched somewhere in that disordely intellect...Part 2 - coming soon

Life is difficult by Unknown

Life is difficult, this is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It it is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it- then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

Jesus in the Clouds - and abit of a reflection

Saturday September 22 2007, over a year ago now...







Today on my morning walk I was chatting with God - No I was chatting AT God - getting some things off my chest and not expecting a reply in return - nothing too specific - just the standard "Lord, how on earth am I going to make it through this life?" "Please lead me to where you want me because my spiritual compass is broke and I have no idea where I am going" and "Where are you and why can't I feel you like I used to?" type stuff.

As I was coming around the cliffs on Lurline Bay heading toward Maroubra Beach I looked up at the sunrise and saw Jesus! The clouds were thick and the sun was shinning through kinda making him glow - I couldn't have missed Him if I tried - still I did try to turn Him into something else like that game you play with finding objects etc in the clouds - I thought don't be stupid, that can't be Jesus - Yup It was definately Jesus, on the Cross - with only one arm mind you but still it was Him!!

The message I felt burning in my heart that moment as I looked up at the sky was:

EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME - MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME

Not that this was something I didn't already know but hey I struggle with doubt and fear and need a good kick up the butt just as much as the next Christian.

I looked down and walked afew steps as I tried to grasp what this ment - making EVERYTHING in my life about Jesus - or more so putting Jesus in front of everything.

When I looked back up Jesus was gone and standing in his place was an Angel - LOL - no really LOL - Again I tried to turn this angel into something else but oh no it was definately an angel.


So my lesson for the morning has appeared to be:

1. Acknowledge that EVERYTHING in life is about Jesus, the Cross and what God has offered us through Him. Whether we choose to follow or even believe this is completly irrelevant. Life always has and always will be about this.

2. I am to make every part of my life about Jesus - getting rid of all the negative and replacing it with Him. No matter how small these things may be I am starting to realise just the smallest bit of crap in my life can multiply and rage out of control before I know it.

3. If I, continually & constantly, strive to put Jesus in front of everything I won't feel the need to ask frantic and irrational questions like the one's I did this morning because I have been given an angel to keep watch over me??? - That's really hard for me to grasp as I'm not too big on angels - I mean I believe in them and all but they are not something I have ever really consiously thought about.

4. My angel is quite robust and looks like an African-American Gospal Singer.




Now to present day, almost 15 months later...

I was told to make EVERYTHING about Jesus. Sounded simple enough but I barely understood what that ment at that point.

I was searching then, in an almost innocent, child like manner..."God, where are you??" I don't know if I'd be game enough to ask that in such a way again, as I have learnt that when you ask of God, He takes you seriously. When you seek God with an honest and open heart He will show you who and where He is and how relevant He wants to be in your life. I honestly believe He will take you as far as you allow your faith to stretch.

But let's be honest. The stretching of faith, this will more than likely require some moulding/scoulpting/bending/breaking, call it what you will. It will mean, possibly painfully, stepping outside of what you think you know, to fully view Him and His purpose. It will mean allowing more of God in and getting more of you out. It may mean, that God will allow you, because He loves you and you are His, to scrape the absolute bottom of the barrel, breaking you into a million pieces so that He can reconstrust you and there becomes no other option than total and complete reliance upon Him.

From the Inside Out

This is a REALLY cool song. Heard it for the first time last week in church The words...it's all just pretty powerful.

From the Inside Out

A thousand times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out

LordLet justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

A peppermint crisp and a sugar-free red bull

So im sitting at my desk in my well paid, soul destroying job munchin on a peppermint crisp and a sugar-free red bull…and I remember something I read the night before…approx 300000 people are born every day and 150000 die. And I realise how much my consumer lifestyle disgusts me. There are children raising families, breathing the same air I am who only know the flavour of wheat/water combo slush (you know the stuff you see on world vision ads – whatever it is) I want to be pushed, stretched, in a new way. I don’t want my life to be only peppermint crisps and sugar-free red bulls. I want to mean it in everyway when I say I am not my own...

Does this have anything to do with in searching for my creator? Yeah, absolutely
What am I gonna do about it? Not quite sure just yet

The 'G' word

That would be GROWTH.

I received an email from my mum a couple of days ago. Made me reflect on how self absorbed I can be. I guess it’s the cycle of life and when you have stuff going on you do get absorbed in it then have to deal with it, mend from it, re deal with it and try on with the mending again. With all this life stuff going on around me I completely missed a major shift in my little old mum. She asked me if I had heard of a certain fellow who has recently resigned from his Christian music ministry in the states and went on to say this grieved her deeply as his music was the most anointed she had heard. He had been unfaithful to his wife, possibly with a man. I won't mention his name, the real issue, this blog, isn't about him. So I know nothing of this guy but before reading on in her email I thought to myself 'here we go' literally rolling my eyes and assuming she was going to come out with some offensive yet extremely subtle fire & brimstone jab. Not that she has done that for some time but after growing up in an extremely homophobic bible bashing home old habits die hard and I found myself in extreme defense mode. To my surprise I was humbled to read, and to quote her "I am so saddened by all this but even more so as I think or have heard that the affair was with a man. If that is true I feel for him even more as he may have been through years of torture,trying to be what he is unable to be. There is so much we do not understand, but God certainly anointed him mightily and many healings and major touches came to people through his music"

O-K-A-Y.


What really hit me was "trying to be what he is unable to be". To me and basically the equivalent of what I heard was "Bec, I know you are gay, I don't understand it but I accept it. I love you and what matters is that you are pursuing God" - whether she would ever say or mean that is another story but this is the first time I have ever heard her stop and admit that someone may be just 'gay'...no quoting bible verses, no hint of hopes of deliverance from evil spirits, just real life experience...for once.


I'm pretty speechless at this point.


And not only that but her acknowledging a 'possible' gay man has had God's anointing and touched many people's lives. Again, whether this chap had an affair with a man or a woman is not the point. Whether he is gay or straight is not the point. The fact the if he was gay my mum's heart would bleed for him even more because she seems to have grown in some understanding that some people, her daughter included, are just gay.


I thank God that I am gay. It has allowed me to see the world from 'outside' the box. It has forced me to search for (and find!) my creator on my own without anyone else's pre-conceived ideas. It has allowed me to be humble and experience grace as it should be and know that while I may be hated and misunderstood by the world, I am owned by a loving God and NOTHING will ever change that. I agree with my mum, there is so much we don't understand but we must trust that God is greater than what goes on in our limited human minds.

I know I have God's anointing on my life, I can barely comprehend what that even means or will look like for my future but I know it is true.

You can have peaceful discussions, arguments, present the truth and it will do no good, ignorance is a tough nut to crack. I have grown ALOT over the years or more like grown-shrunk-grown-grown-shrunk-grown haha but I was the one faced with being a Christian and being gay, I had to deal with that. I rarely stop to consider what my Christian parents went through having to face up to having a gay child. And not just that but a gay child that professes the love and need for Christ in her life. I'm sure it was and will continue to be tough. But it's undeniable, positive growth is happening on all fronts. And with that comes healing, for everyone involved. I
am blessedbeyondbelief that God allowed me to reconcile the two. For some the only way to deal with they gay part of them is to deny Christ. For others the burden is too heavy and they end their life believing they were a mistake and because they are gay they are worthless in Gods eyes.

It's probably not that uncommon to miss the lives of those we effect. I've had afew people impact my life who don't even know my name yet their influence is forever etched on my heart. Here's to growth!Our personal and spiritual walk with Christ!Here's to the hearts and lives who have changed us without the knowing and in turn the lives we have changed and are changing in the same.

The begining of the end of the begining

When I woke up this morning I wasnt expecting to create this blog! I've been a thinker and a would-be-writer since the begining. I constantly scribble thoughts, quotes and ideas down on random pieces of paper, I have notepads half full strewn all over the place. I dont know why I keep most of them, I can barely read any of my jumble. It is always a mad rush to get all my thoughts out at once and then up and on to the next lot. I never seem to finish and thus only publish something in a moment of complete and utter compulsion in which I must declare to the world this or that. Which has been a good thing up until now. I give too much of myself away when I write. I don't know how to do it halfed arsed. I also don't know how to finish what I start.

The idea of In Search of My Creator has been with me for a few years. In all honesty I thought it was a book I would write. I knew it was a journey and it was laying dormant. Today I seemingly found out it is a blog, that I am to start now. Seems like a weird thing to take up atm, life is good but my head is full! I don't have time for this! But I search my heart and I know why today...beginings and endings and Gods perfect timing, graciousness and healing beyond what I can understand.

I am not going to say that God told me to begin this, I heard no audible voice, there was no lightning bolt peircing through my soul encounter. No, I'd describe it more as a persistant poking in my side from the Holy Spirit :) Like a little kid wanting to play, saying 'go on do it now' 'can't we play, please, please??'. The voice, the piercing, the poke, are they different or are they one and the same?? I guess this is the point...

So this is me taking time out and a step back. This is me stopping and embracing and absorbing Gods beauty, which today may mean pleasere and clarity, tomorrow maybe pain and confusion. Either way this is me experiencing and learning and attempting to live as I believe, that God meant it for good.

This is my search for God in my everyday, in my every moment. It’s my belief that seeking, believing, finding, loving and knowing God is a never ending journey and one that I’m okay with never fully understanding. It’s me striving to surrender the little I am and have. It's me saying to God 'Im yours' and I will no longer devaluate your presence by rushing the words that You give me. And I will give as much of myself away as is needed to write in Your truth.